Ceremony, Ritual & Paying Our Respects

This morning on my way home from town, I saw one of our local funeral directors coming towards me, Paging (walking) in front of the hearse as it was leaving the funeral home.

Smartly dressed in his finery, cane in hand and top hat on his head he walked with authority down the road for a bit and then stopped, the hearse stopped and he then walked round and stood beside the hearse facing the coffin and bowed his head before getting into the vehicle and then carrying on the journey.

Paging the hearse is an act that has historical and practical roots from back when vehicles were horse drawn and the person in front would ‘lead’ the way, making sure there were no obstacles and also as a mark of respect, symbolising the final journey of the person who has died.

Working as a funeral celebrant it is a familiar sight that I see on every workday and I welcome it.  Some may see it as unnecessary, traditional pomp, but in that moment this morning, it reminded me of how important it is to acknowledge a life, and at the ending of that life, to honour and respect that passage.

Nowadays there are many advertisements, offering us ideas for funerals of different guises, from you planning your own funeral to reflect your preferences and ensuring that your wishes are known, to making quieter plans to have a direct cremation, where no funeral takes place and no ceremonial rituals are involved.

I can see both sides of the coin here, as in some cases it is the persons expressed wish ‘not to have any fuss’. Also choosing a direct cremation with no funeral ceremony, can be a very cost-effective option and it may be that there are no family or friends to consider.

But on the other side, it is perhaps that those close to us want to have a moment to gather one last time with us there, (albeit that we are somewhat silent) and say goodbye in the way they want to as well.

For many, offering space to do so is a way of acknowledging a life and saying that it mattered, a chance to remember the person and their qualities and reflect on what they brought to this world and all those close to them and beyond. Looking at their footprint and the impact it’s had, along with the legacy and inspiration they leave behind.

In seeing that funeral director this morning, just him in front of the hearse, no family there watching, but still paying respect to the person in the hearse, by way of honouring them, it was a touching moment, a reminder of the human side of us that holds respect for others, dead or living and I even found myself slowing right down in my car as well, being part of that moment as we passed, almost in slow motion on the road.

If we walk away from showing and paying our respects, do we get to the stage of the ‘throw away’ body, casting it off without regard, like we do with other objects in life?

It got me pondering on how varied we all are in our thinking on this and how we must go with what we feel. But if we are making plans, it is important to consider, and talk to those who are close to us and make sure we honour their needs too. This can actually support the grieving process, knowing that everything is clearly expressed and a level of completion is arrived at.

I often hear people say, “oh don’t spend all that money on me, put me in a cardboard box on the compost heap”. 

But we could perhaps be open to the fact that those close to us may want to show the value, regard and love they hold us in one last time, even if we feel they won’t want to, or that they shouldn’t spend the money (although it actually doesn’t have to cost a huge amount). Should we rob them of that chance?

Conversations are key in all of our end of life plans and there is great value and support in talking to those dear to us. Making plans together that lovingly support us all.